I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
