don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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