I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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