goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
