At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
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flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
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Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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