I wannas sexs uuuuu
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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