The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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