I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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