I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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