i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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