Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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