this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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