We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
