i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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