Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
