apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
