I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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