I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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