Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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