When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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