Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
