my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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