you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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