no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
