I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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