The maid of honor just puked.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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