At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
