My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
