the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
