Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
