I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
