He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
