i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
