I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
