my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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