I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
