my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The beer is more important than you right now.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
