have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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