I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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