sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
