i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
