Jerry, you need to find god
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
