4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just found a bag of teeth...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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