Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
