I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
