Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
