So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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