don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
