when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
areolas are like halos for boobs.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
