Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
handjob tips. give me some.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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