She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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