You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
