well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
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He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
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When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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