he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
