just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
