i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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