if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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