I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
