i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
